I really don’t. I haven’t been able to write because I just don’t have the words. (Unlike Donald Trump who apparently has a lot of words. Many people are saying he has the best words. Maybe that’s where mine went, maybe he stole them.
“But April, you’re writing words right now,” you might say. Yes, but look at them. They’re junk. They have no point. There is nothing special about these words. They’re not flowery or funny, they’re not unusual or extraordinary. They’re very simple, boring words.
So why are these the only words I have? Because I’m depressed. I have been going through another bout of depression for a little while now and it hasn’t been easy to get rid of it. Sure, things are pretty good in my life right now. My youngest daughter just started high school and her year is off to a great start. She got contact lenses, dyed part of her hair blue, and kinda sorta has a boyfriend. Yesterday, she started an after-school art program that she already loves.
And me? Meh. I’m doing okay, I guess. I have stuff to keep me busy, I’m doing things that I enjoy but, because of the depression, I’m not enjoying them as much as I used to and I’m not able to do them as much as I want. Like writing. I want to write, I really do. I’m signed up for two different writing classes, I’m in writing groups…but when I sit down and open Scrivener, I’m lucky if I can squeeze out 500 words. Reading has been difficult too because depression affects my ability to focus. When I’m not able to function very well, I end up spending time on social media which sucks because there’s so much bad news and so many awful people on there that sometimes I end up even more depressed. I also end up watching a lot of Netflix which is good because I catch up on more shows. (Yay for Wentworth Season 4!)
Ooh, speaking of Netflix, I haven’t been doing my Wednesday “What I’m ______” posts. I’ve been mentally composing them but haven’t bothered to sit down and write one. Hey, since today is Wednesday, maybe I’ll do that later today. Or not.
Aside from the problems with concentrating and enjoying things, I’m also so tired all the time but then I can’t sleep at night. Do you know how much it sucks to have both insomnia and fatigue? It’s horrible. My body wants to sleep but my brain is like “Nah, let’s just sit here and worry about everything that could possibly go wrong while watching Friends for the 947th time.”
Anyway, that’s where I am right now. If you’re reading this and you deal with depression too, what does your depression look like?